Summary:
Me: What?
Him: You use too much electricity. Me must raise rent on you!
Me: No way, I go somewhere else. Me just need security deposit back.
Him: No way fuck you I take it. You STEALING ELECTRICITY!
Me: You crazy! Electric included in rent!
Him: No, I see you 20 computers! Man across street with prostate problem watch you all nite. He piss all the time, and he see you up with lights and computers running! You run lights all night for YOUR BUSINESS!!
Me: Me get home very late. Me use one computer to do homework. You kookoo!
Him: I sue you for stealing!
Now admittedly, I do have three computers. However, I only use one of them ever since my extra 29 fingers were lost in the Howie Mandell Incident of 2002. Apparently, he counted each keyboard, mouse, laser pointer, and vcr as a computer when he tallied my inventory.
Next day (December 9), I get home and find this on my door:
Since then, I have gotten a couple more notes on my door, all of them in official blue half-sheet form:
note: Stumps must have taken a look at his paperwork and realised that my name was not, in fact, one of the several different names that he had assigned me. I can only imagine that since Jeremy did not exist in his realm of possible names, he just shortened it up to J.
Update:
Now the old bastard is trying to freeze me out. The temperature in my apartment has been around 47 degrees Fahrenheit for the past few days, and the heat in the bathroom has been shut off entirely. Even the rats have run for warmer shelter.
Update:
So, I was in the spirit of the season tonight and decided to leave old man Stumpo a heartwarming holiday card.
Front:
Here is the inside:
I also enclosed this picture that somebody found on the internets:
Spread the love.
Update:
Score one for Stumpo:
This morning, I crawl out of bed, thirsty as all hell and slightly hungover, wondering what this fine day will bring. I had to leave for work in about 30 minutes. All of a sudden there is a pounding on my door.
"Jerry?", I hear.
"Yeah."
"Niagara Falls Police Department. Can we talk?"
"Sure."
I throw on some clothes and open up for the lawman. Old man Stumpo and a young cop are standing there. The cop is holding my Christmas card in his hand.
Holy fuck. The guy called the police because of my loving Christmas gesture.
"What's this all about?", the cop asked me as he opened up my artwork.
"It's a joke, officer."
"I don't think it's very funny, and neither does Mr. Stumpo here."
That cop knew goddamn well that it was funny. Anyhow, I say:
"I'm sorry if it is not your type of humor, but I figured I should lighten the mood, with Christmas here and all."
"Well, do something like this again, and you will be charged with harassment."
Yeah, ok.
"Alright, officer. I apologize. Bye."
"Do you mind if I take a look around the apartment?"
"I'd rather you didn't. It's a mess in there."
I wasn't sure if I had anything lying around that might incriminate me, so there was no way I was letting them in.
After a few minutes back and forth of the cop and Stumpo tying to convince me to let them in, I says to them, I says, "Look, I gotta get to work. I'm sorry, but I can't let you in."
This did the trick and they left after some talk between the Johnny Law and the old man of a search warrant.
Cool. Time to shower and get to work. Now remember, my bathroom is across the hall from my apartment, so I have to keep a key inside the bathroom to let myself back in to the apartment after I do my business.
After showering, I dry off, throw my boxers and tshirt on, and reach on top of the mirror for my key.
Gone!
Stumpo, that Magnicifent Son-of-a-Bitch, that Master of the Occult had taken my goddamn key!
Fuck. It's about 4 degrees above zero outside, I am soaking wet with only a t-shirt and boxers on, I have to leave for work in about 5 minutes, and I'm locked out of my grungy apartment.
At this point, I have no choice. I have to go walk outside in the snow to Stumpo's office and try to get him to let me back in. Failing that, I would have to walk to a payphone a few blocks away. In my boxers. Barefoot.
Here's a picture:
I get outside my door, and Booya! The cop is still there talking with stumpo in the lobby to the office. They see me, come outside and Stumpo yells:
"See, He's drunk! He came outside and forgot his shoes."
I explained to the cop the situation, and the Stumpo is ordered to let me back in my apartment. The three of us are standing in the hallway between my apartment and my bathroom when Stumpo pipes up:
"Where was your key, Jerry?"
"It was on the mirror, right where took it from."
Stumpo goes into the bathroom for a few seconds and comes out with my key in his hand.
"It was there all along. I told you he was drunk.", Stumpo comes up with.
At this point, I'm pretty sure the cop realizes what a clown this guy is, and starts writing a bunch of stuff on his report.
Flustered, I tried to explain to the cop that Stumpo was a nutcase.
"Forget about it. Just get yourself to work, Jerry.", the cop says.
Stumpo let me in and then I left for work.
You win this round, Stumpmaster.
Continued on Page 3